Pardon me for I am not good with words and this will probably be the most honest blog post Ive ever written because I really need a medium to express how I'm feeling right now. As an ENFP person, this post might sound really awkward becuz I'm not good in stuff like these.

I stood a full hour in the shower today, thinking. (The hot water's really effective) On the outside, I may look like a really cheerful person, but in actual fact since the start of this year, Ive became alot more solemn. I have started supressing emotions, which is very unlike me, and I am about to suffocate. I'm not one to keep feelings to herself, I am super vocal. But ive became so sensitive that I am afraid of accidentally hurting feelings. There is this one thing that I really wanna tell someone, anyone about but I just.... I'm afraid, I dont want anyone to call me a fake and most importantly, I dont want this to harm my existing friendships. Because they're all really really nice people.

It's killing me how hard I've been trying, how much I've yearned to fit in, to be able to understand jokes and all. Most times I feel okay, but sometimes its like... uhhh... ARGH IM NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO PUT THESE INTO WORDS ITS SO OFFENSIVE. Have you ever had this feeling like..... Someone's on a different frequency as you? Like conversations are a little forced and there are periods of awkwardness as your brain frantically searches for stuff to fill up the silence? You wanna laugh but you just cannot find anything to laugh about? Like you cannot fully understand them?

It's wierd. I've never had feelings like these on such a long basis before. It's.... I'm...... ARGH I CANT DO THIS. I'd rather suffer silently than offend these people oh god, but I really feel like I cant breathe. Sometimes I end school a little depressed and these are the days I'd pester EL to go out because.. I dont know, it feels so natural with them. They ARE funny, I feel like they're on the same frequency.


Dont get me wrong, I am not always this miserable at night. I'm still trying, still trying my best to fit in. But it's not easy since I'm dealing with emotions like these for the first time ever. The tables have completely turned.

Is this something I should be discussing about or should I continue supressing all these? Even my laughter has changed. I dont understand. I'm turning into a completely different person, so forced, so fake. All these dont feel natural anymore. (My witch laughter may sound crazy but it's actually my natural laugh. It's kinda hard to fake) Somedays I try so hard, I completely give up and shut down.

But I'm not gonna give up.

Talk to me.